You Can Call Me Jacob

Normally when I write a blog post, I have a clear idea that I want to write about.  Whether it’s persuading participation in something, sharing how God has worked in my heart, or writing a book/movie review- I have a direction and purpose.  I am looking back on something, and I can put a pretty bow on it and write about it.  I have not posted anything on the blog in a while, because I haven’t experienced closure with the things I would typically write about.  I am still walking through a season of wrestling with God and my own limitations and there is no pretty bow for that.

I recently committed to a challenge- 21 Days of Discipline.  I told myself, “it takes three weeks to form a habit, commit to this, and you’ll be on the trajectory to do this from now on.”  Among other things, I committed to working out at least 3 times a week, getting up extra early to read and pray, and finishing my entire morning routine by 8 am so that I could have the whole day to be “productive.”  I was intentional about limiting my priorities, and the things I would give time to. I put together a solid plan and those who know me well will tell you- when I say I am going to do something, I do it.  No excuses.  Anything that does not go according to plan is an obstacle, not a barrier.  It will get done. 

So, I committed to this. …And I failed, miserably.  I missed SO many of my goals.  Even when I did get out of bed at 5 am, I did not complete my morning routine by 8 am.  Three hours into my day of doing everything “right,” and I am feeling like a failure and stressing about not being “on schedule.”  You can imagine what my motivation levels looked like the next day when the alarm went off.  Then there were the other factors- my allergies went bonkers, I had afternoon crashes, people scheduling last minute meetings that were super important, and the list goes on. 

This challenge that was supposed to be the scale tipper in helping me “get it together,” left me FRUSTRATED and defeated!  I felt incapable of balancing productivity and spiritual disciplines.  Everything took longer to complete than I scheduled.  I was reading daily, but still not keeping my book schedule. I could not get it right.  I was wasting no time, but still could not get to everything on the list.  I needed more time.  My losses and shortcomings were accumulating into what felt like a mountain on my neck and my successes were quickly dissipating.   

This challenge prominently displayed an ongoing struggle that I face:  I am always wanting to do more than I can do.  Not just physically, but also financially, emotionally, and mentally.  I want to DO more for myself and those around me, and I just can’t.  That is discouraging to me.  Then I look ahead at the long list of goals and dreams that God is developing in my heart and the discouragement becomes overwhelming.  How am I ever going to be able to do all of that?  Spoiler alert: I am NOT.

My desire to help everyone and do all of these things isn’t sinful.  My desire to help everyone is an inherited trait, passed down to me from my heavenly Father.  God loves each of us, and He hates to see us suffer.  Scripture tells us that He wants to see us prosper (Jeremiah 29:11).  He wants to help us in every way.  The difference between myself and God, is that He has NO limitations!  He can actually do it!  He can multiply your hours, dollars, resources, immune system; everything is subject to His authority. 

I can’t, but God can.  God can and will bring to fruition every vision He has given me to help and serve others.  I can’t fix the things that my heart is so heavily burdened by right now, but God can (2 Corinthians 12:9).  I am still a little paralyzed by the uncertainties of what is ahead but I know my God will move.  He will restore. He will redeem.  He will continue to love those whom I love, because he loved them first.  He was meeting their needs long before I even knew their names.  I have to learn to trust Him with these few now, because I know He is calling me to trust Him with many later in life. 

So, to my faithful readers- I apologize for holding out on you.  I apologize for buying into the myth that only pretty bows are worth posting.  In the future, I will do better about posting in the midst of my struggles, shortages of joy, and wrestling with God.  Because the point of this blog is not to share only my hindsight, but to “share my experiences for the benefit of others,” even when my experiences are not pretty.  For those of you are feeling defeated by your own limitations, please know- you are not alone.  You are in good company, but more importantly- God is with you (Isaiah 41:10).

Referenced Verses

Jeremiah 29:11- “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

2 Corinthians 12:9- “But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.”

Isaiah 41:10- “fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with me righteous right hand."

Bonus- Genesis 50:20- “As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring it about that many people should be kept alive, as they are today.”