4-4-1

Four Weeks, Four Lessons, One Truth

Last month, Matt (husband) and I had the privilege of serving as foster parents for two incredible kids.  They brought (more than) their fair share of challenges, but I was consistently inspired by their strength, resiliency, adaptability, and willingness to draw the good out of others.  They were hilarious, entertaining, sometimes easygoing, and often times annoying.  They spent lots of extra time at home and out of school due to holidays and the Polar Vortex.  It was a ton of fun and I’ve heard the same question a few times, “What did you learn?”  I learned SO much, but wanted to use this post to share 4 key takeaways and one big truth.

#1 Your level of authority over someone will never exceed the level of trust and respect that person has for you.  I saw this demonstrated in very concrete ways with kids during these four weeks.  These two became more and more compliant as we consistently proved to them that we were honest, fair, and had their best interests at heart.  But I believe the principle applies in every balance of power- parenting, marriages, bosses, etc.  People of any age will not submit to your authority or leadership if they do not trust and respect you and the extent to which they are willing to follow you is proportional to the amount of trust and respect they have for you.  You have to earn the trust of others, before you can expect compliance or submission.

#2 Everyone has a different definition of a special treat.  Have you ever had somebody give you a gift that they were WAY more excited about than you were?  You’re trying to figure out how to communicate that they were shopping for themselves, and they are not at all disappointed when you re-gift it back to them.  Yup, we’ve all been there.  We have to recognize that this same principle holds true for incentives, surprises, and big experiences.  You would think taking two kids to a professional sports game would be a great experience.  It’s exciting, the people are crazy, had good seats, junk food for days… but somehow we had two Minnesotan kids that didn’t like hockey and were really upset that we MADE them go to a hockey game…. Yea. This applies in so many contexts.  When we’re trying to motivate, praise, or acknowledge others, we need to recognize that what is greatly appreciated by one person may very well be a nuisance to another.  We have to tailor these gestures to each individual kid, employee, etc.  

#3 Teens are arguing and listening.  When you know they need to hear it, go ahead and say it.  Even if they’re adamantly disagreeing with you.  Say it with love, and then move on.  They will take the time later to process it and consider.  Their pride keeps them from ever saying, “yea you’re right.”  But the changes in their actions may surprise you.  Even if they never do change, you still have an obligation to them to help them in whatever way you can.  That includes being willing to speak truths to them.  But save yourself the stress and headaches of trying to convince them that you are right.  Say it with love, and then move on. 

#4 Give where you can.  Use a soft answer if possible. Save your no’s.  These are especially true when dealing with kids from trauma.  They have already faced so much rejection, the word “no” can quickly tear open wounds.  A soft answer allows you to gauge just how important the request is.  Some examples of a soft answer would be: “not right now”, “let me think about it”, “not today”, change the subject, or barter (“sure you can do that, if you first do this”). If it is not important to the kid, they will lose interest quickly.  If it is important, they will make it known.

Everyone has heard the saying, “pick your battles.”  Using a soft answer can prevent you from getting blind-sided by a war.  (Yea, that happened… a few times.) 

One Truth: Only God can change hearts.  Time and time again I found myself stone-walled by the astounding logic and reason of a 10-going-on-15-year-old and a 14 year-old.  (For those who didn’t get the joke or have little experience with these ages, they can get their minds set on something and no persuasion, well-backed argument, or evidence of facts can change their way of thinking.)  Often times, the only power of persuasion I had was prayer.  The strength and strong will of others is something to be admired not dismantled.  We should not invest huge amounts of resources to try to get others to change their ways.  We need to love them unconditionally, take it up in prayer, and let God do work.  My life verse is Proverbs 21:31, “The horse is made ready for the day of battle, but the victory belongs to the Lord.”  I’m going to do my part.  I’m going to ready the horses.  I’m going to make myself available and be willing to speak to truth to others.  But at the end of the day, the outcomes lie in God’s hands.  If their hearts do not change, it doesn’t mean that I did something wrong.  And if their hearts do change, it’s not because I did it right.  Either way, the ultimate responsibility falls to God. 

There it is, 4 Weeks, 4 Lessons, 1 Truth.  Foster Care is a fantastic adventure.  I certainly DO NOT recommend it for everyone, but I can’t think of a better investment for those who have the resources, time, and EMOTIONAL STABILITY.  Do you have any lessons that you learned working with people in one context that you saw translate into other contexts?