Contradictions & Ambiguity

 Normally, I get an inspiring idea to write a blog post and two to three weeks later, I finally sit down to write it. Today, I am actually writing my blog post in advance of a major milestone. I am slowly but steadily approaching a number that is of great significance to me 155 pounds.  Those of you that followed my weight loss journey from a few years ago are probably taken aback and thinking “man, she really let herself go again.” This would be a well-grounded assumption based on the fact that 155 is still 20 pounds more than my smallest weight while living in Minnesota. 

But the few people who actually do life with me down here in Texas can tell you, “let” is not an accurate word.  I have fought hard trying to manage my weight.  I was working out at least four days a week, eating right and STILL gaining weight.  I was (and to an extent still am) fighting disbelief when I would see pictures of myself and wondering why I looked so fat when I knew how hard I was working to be healthy. I have done restaurant fasts, whole 30 rounds, and more trying to figure out what the magic formula is to send the trend in the other direction.

155 is significant to me because it was my weight when I graduated high school.  But now, I am more than a little perplexed because I am approaching the number but look nothing like I did then.  I know muscle weighs more than fat and blah, blah, blah, but y’all that scale had to be busted or something!  I am taller than I was then, I did not have hips at 18, and still- I look significantly heavier than I did then.

I am writing in advance because I want to capture all of these emotions and the contradictions that are developing in the midst of the anticipation.  I am excited to be reaching this milestone and to see the scale consistently on a downward trend again.  I am disappointed that this number doesn’t look like what I thought it would. The celebration of my progress is immediately diluted by the frustration and shame that I let myself get back up to 175 pounds (6 months ago).  Then I am overwhelmed as I have to acknowledge all of the things that led to the weight gain in the first place.

But then I take a deep breath and I am reminded that “healthy” can be allusive sometimes.  We think it is about the scale, or how many miles we can run, or how many unhealthy foods and snacks we turn down, but it is bigger than that.  What is really scary, is the way that if any one portion of our life is unhealthy then it becomes like a broken spoke on a wheel and the whole wheel becomes dysfunctional.  It doesn’t matter how hard we work to compensate for it in other areas of our lives, if we ignore what is unhealthy it becomes like a cancer and takes over our lives from the inside out. 

So, “what’s the secret?” you ask.  What reversed the trend? The list is long…

·       A new job

·       Forgiving others.

·       Forgiving myself for mistakes I had made and adjusting my mentality in such a way to live out the consequences.

·       Yoga

·       Intermittent Fasting

·       Running faster, not just longer

·       Kids that are healthy and bringing me joy instead of stress

·       Developing increased faith in God’s overall design for my life and the lives of others.

·       Taking time to intentionally invest in my relationships with others. 

That’s not even the complete list.  You may read this list and think, “man, that’s a lot of work for a measly 1-2 pounds a week.” You would be right.  It has been a lot of work.  To some people, it’s not worth it.  And that’s okay.

I have had days that the scale let me down.  I expected to have lost weight but gained.  The opposite has happened as well.  I cannot afford to be emotionally invested in the number, but at the same time, I am unable to escape the weight of its influence on me.  I know the picture of my health is much bigger than the number but when I look at pictures of myself, the number dictates my emotions.  And while this 155 is a milestone, the reality is, my emotions will still be the same when I reach it.

Sometimes I am tempted to get ambitious and set myself on a strict diet and see if I can accelerate my weight loss. But most of the time, I am content to simply know that I am losing weight again and that the number is trending in the direction that I want it to.  Some days, I see pictures of myself, and I get discouraged but reflection keeps me focused on the progress that I know I am making.  Parts of me get overwhelmed by the ambiguity of what it means to improve my health, but mostly I take comfort in knowing that I am addressing this in SO many areas of my life.

This post really is not about encouraging someone else on a weight-loss plateau.  This post is more about acknowledging that all of us go through seasons where we are overwhelmed by ambiguity and contradictions.  To that person, please know, you are not alone.  Others and I are all walking through these struggles. Maybe not today, maybe not the same exact contradiction but still, we get it.  If you need to know that somebody is praying for you or just need somebody to listen, I am here.